How to Find Balance When Everything Feels Important | Season 2 Favorites

Welcome to another special episode of Orthodox Christian Parenting. So we're in our final weeks of the Summer Clip series. And today we're revisiting a vital conversation we had with Paul and Cindy Kerros about the middle way. As parents, it is so easy to swing between extremes. Paul and Cindy talked to us about finding that Christ centered center.

They share how the middle way is about finding a path of balance and humility and constant turning back to God. You'll hear them discuss how to handle the pressures of modern parenting without losing our peace. The importance of modeling a life of prayer rather than just teaching it and how to create a home environment where our children feel both the firm boundaries and the infinite grace of the church. It's a beautiful grounding perspective on the long game of parenting. I can't wait.

We're talking about the middle way today. And I will you take just a minute to describe to our listeners what does that mean? What is the middle way that we hear about so often in the church?

Absolutely. The middle way is such a great parenting tool. It's exciting to talk about. And I think probably the best way to understand it is to remember what our goal is parents, and actually a goal of ourselves as people, and that is to become Christ like, to have union with God, to have salvation. So if we understand with that that is our goal as parents, it helps us understand the middle way a little bit better.

It is a tool that so many of our church fathers teach about. People like Saint Gregory Palamas, St. Peter of Damascus, both of them have beautiful writings, as well as so many others. But what the middle way is, it's a tool. It's a tool to help us understand virtue and actually stay on the path of being Christ like.

And maybe the best way to understand it is to actually look at an example of a virtue. So, if you were to select the virtue of maybe humility, right?

The chief of virtue.

Yeah. The one that I probably struggle with The the

one that I have none of? Okay. Yeah.

All right. So if the virtue is humility, then there obviously, if that's the middle, there's obviously two extremes. One extreme would be pride, and the other extreme would be dejection or despair. So let's go back to the middle way. So if the virtue of humility means, Lord, I can't do anything without you.

You are where I get my strength. If I'm a humble person, I should be able to see the virtues in other people and be happy for them rather than being jealous. I don't always have to be the best. All right? So that would be an example of humility.

So if we were to look at pride, pride is I can do everything by myself. I don't need anyone. I don't need God. I'm in control. In fact, I have to control everything.

Yeah. I have to be in control because I know best.

I know best. I'm the best. Alright? And then if you swing to the other side, dejection or despair. Like, I have no hope.

I am so worthless. I'm worthless to the core. I don't even see kind of the beauty of God in me anymore.

And that and that, you know, that can be a real trap for humility. That is a distorted view of humility. That is not humility. Right? So that's the other extreme is that we were so dejected that we can't even get back up to go to the path.

So we're saying the middle way is a tool. It's a way of kind of, pursuing balance in our quest to be Christ like. And so are you now saying that we apply virtues to the middle way? That's what we look at. It's a way of, integrating the virtues or could the middle way be about anything like staying in the middle of the path with sports or with how much alcohol we drink or whatever it is.

Like Beautiful. What is the tool applied to? Is there

It definitely can be applied to those things. Unfortunately, Saint Peter of Damascus wasn't talking about extracurricular activities. We don't have any of his writings But on the fathers actually start with virtues. All right? So, I think the virtue, and if we're trying to be Christ like, then we're trying to obtain his virtues.

So, you know, being patient, being kind. So using this as a tool for virtues, it can also be used for everyday things as well.

Yeah. We and, you know, that analogy, just that question you just asked, Michelle, is is right on because, you know, family life is the arena to work out our salvation. It's where, you know, we we struggle for those virtues our whole life of humility, for example, or of patience, like Cindy said, or joy or peace, courage, these things. And it happens in everyday life within the the arena of family or the pursuits like extracurricular activities that you're pointing to. Absolutely.

We can say, well, what is the middle way on some of these elements of our family life? We that definitely could be done. If if as parents, we're focused on developing our kids' godly character, they're gonna be just fine because they're gonna know what it's like to work hard. They're gonna know what it's like to obey their boss. They're they're gonna know what it's like to be a good team player to do their job with excellence.

This is what's gonna happen if we're focused on those things. But the world will tell us that these false summits, you you will be more confident or happy or content or you'll have made it if you make the a team or if you become in the top choir. Well, you know what? That may happen. You know, if you're doing good virtue, that absolutely could happen, but it's not the goal.

That's right. And like, if you make a ton of money or you become an Olympian, great. Use those things for the glory of God, but they're not the end game. I love it. I love it.

Okay. So then let me ask you. Let's get a little practical on how this actually helps us shape our children or discipline them or lead them. Like, what does that look like? Tell me what I'm going to get up and say to my kid tomorrow.

Cindy, do want to try that? You go for it. Okay. I'll go. You know what?

Really? So that's it's a great on the practical side. There's a number of ways to look at that. But the first thing is, is that we become aware that aware that there is a middle way on all of these activities of life, whether it's extracurriculars or school education, there is a middle way. Or on the use of technology or how to develop friendships.

Lord, what is the middle way in this area of life? We can't just look to the world. Sometimes the world will agree with us, but many times what the world will say is the better summit or the better path on some of these areas of family life really are not the middle way. And they're gonna they're gonna get us to be so busy or so anxious about these other summits that we really are not gonna be pursuing the middle way, and we will not prioritize church. And we will not prioritize making friendships with our kids at church or having some prayer or scripture reading or lives of the saints in home.

Okay. So when we just buy into these other ways. So first thing would be whatever activities we have going in our life is just to sit down and talk about what is the middle way of school or of developing friendships. Some of these things really powerful. And then we're gonna find we're off because we all get off the path.

All of us do.

Hundreds of times a day sometimes. That's me. It's a slow it's just like how you're raising your children. It takes time. So does, you know, developing some of these these gifts.

It just takes Well,

and it also occurs to me that you've gotta be pretty intentional about really wanting to pursue the path in the middle way. It's not something that will happen by chance because I know, like, if I just look in our household, Walid and I are often a little surprised that something crept in. Now we're like, how did that end up here? Why are we using, you know, why are we watching this show now? Like, this is not the kind of show we want our kids to watch or why do we And it seems like without keeping top of mind, the understanding that you really do want to stay in the middle way, things that just naturally occur in the world just kinda naturally occur into your household or into your parenting style.

And so, how how do you how do you

change the one there. You just said one that was that that so what's the middle way on entertainment? Okay. One extreme will be we will not do any entertainment in this home. That's one extreme.

Okay? Yep. There'll be none. Zero.

Other extreme And entertainment is evil.

Yeah.

By that way. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Entertainment's evil. The other extreme is doesn't really matter what our kids watch. Okay?

Well, that's that's not the middle way because they're gonna get they're gonna get harmed. We're gonna get harmed if we just watch everything. Right? So this idea of stepping back and saying, is the good, noble, and lovely in this part of family life? And that's how we look at at the world as Orthodox.

Christ came to sanctify the whole world so we can look for the good in our entertainment or in our friendships or in our extracurricular activities. And beginning that that movement and by the way, when we realize we're off the path, like you said, something just creeped in. Sometimes we're just so overbusy because we've overcommitted as a family. Well, it may take a year to get back to the middle way because we're committed to some things that we don't just back out of, but that's okay. We now realize we're overbooked.

Okay. We've taken on too many activities and it's impeding our life of the church. So let's come back to the middle way and we'll do it, you know, as quickly as we can. We're not gonna panic because this is, you know, we all make we all get off the path. I mean, is a normal thing.

Having a community life in the church and being in relationship with people in the parish who are pursuing the same summit that we are, who are going after Christ likeness, not just things that are happening in the world. It is a critical part of our faith journey and of being the body of Christ. Because then, you know, I know how much Walid and I learned from you guys or from our parents and couples that have gone before us to have mentorship from people who want what you want is critical. Because if you're getting mentorship from people on sports or college, that's really useful, but it doesn't necessarily give you the whole picture of what our summit is. So I just wanted to call that out.

I think it's really important that we're in those relationships.

I we would agree completely. And, you know, it's really that community that helps us kinda come back to what are we really doing here. We're on the path toward Christ, and these these activities of family life, we'll just call those those those trails on the path toward Christ. They're not separate paths. If we make them a separate path, then we're going after a different summit.

Okay, that says right? So we really, we're talking about the path of Christ, the path of of growing in virtue, the path of the life of the church, and we can pursue extracurricular activities, education, good friendships, how we handle our money. All these things can be done on the path toward Christ beautifully for what's good, noble, and beautiful. And all these other elements that the world says, hey. If you don't do this, you're gonna fail or you're gonna be worthless or your life is doomed because you're you'll never be, quote, successful from a worldly perspective.

It's just not true. So keep our eyes on Christ. Keep our eyes on Christ.

This one's from Hiba in Pennsylvania. I love this question, Hiba. It says, my husband and I don't always agree on what balance looks like. One of us leans stricter and the other more relaxed. How do we find the middle way together without constantly undermining each other?

Great question, Hiba. How do we do that?

Well, I tell you, you two have a great opportunity because you are on opposite extremes. And if you humble yourself, you can learn from each other because both of you are needed.

Yeah. You you can almost say that's a gift that you're on screams. I'm sure they don't see it as a gift all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

Having both sides, if you can actually look at what is good and noble and true about each side, your chances are you're gonna get into the middle.

So the one needs to become a little more gentle and patient and a little bit more connected in their connection with their children. And the other needs to have the courage to know that their kids need limits and they they need some disappointments. It's fine. It's it's good. Disappointments don't crush our kids.

As if as if we don't help them see that disappointments can lead to growth and strength. Right? Endurance leads to character. Character leads to hope, Saint Paul says. So so we learn from each other.

Humble yourselves to each other. And then in doing that, you'll find the middle way with each other.

Well, and it's also important to note that you wanna be on the same page as much as you can. But let's be real, that doesn't happen all the time. Oftentimes one will say, Well, this is what we're doing. And you're thinking to yourself, Seriously? And then you go back afterwards.

Rather than dispute it in front of the kids, take a minute afterwards and say, is that really what we wanna do?

Cindy was very good at that. I felt if I'd you know, I was the guy there, like, same thing. I was a little overbearing sometimes. I'd get, you know, intense, impatient. Okay?

And then later, after calm down, she she pulled me aside. You know, she she wouldn't, like, try to change it or correct it in the moment because, you know, parenting's thousands of interactions. Yeah. Right. No no one parent interaction is gonna make or break our parenting.

So later that night, have a talk with each other.

And then you might even go back to your kids and say, You know what? We were thinking about it, and we'd like to propose something different. Not, Dad was really out of line last night, and so I've corrected him. You know? Mean, do want to provide a common front sometimes

That's the past you right. Actually would offer this as well to you, Hibba, because, I mean, we've been there. My husband and I have very different, backgrounds. He grew up in The Middle East. He was from a small village.

I grew up here in Los Angeles. And so we don't always, agree on some

of the things. And, you know, we we always use this example of, like, who

they marry. Like, he wants them to marry someone who's from his village in this small town in Lebanon. And I'm like, you know, he wants all the things. I could care less so long as they love Jesus and their mother-in-law. So the way that we kind of reconcile, let's be honest, but the way that we kind of reconcile that is as often as possible, we start with those things that we do agree on and we kind of get some reps in, in areas.

And if there's not a few areas, there's always safety. You can always start by thinking it through the lens of we want them to be safe. We want them to be close to the church. So, I would say start small and build those muscles together over time.

Yes. Conclude. Okay.